


049. Club - Thought This Through

by Arok88



Series: The 100 [6]
Category: Backstreet Boys, NSYNC, Popslash
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-28
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-13 19:21:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29033823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arok88/pseuds/Arok88
Summary: I thought I thought this throughNow I don't know what to do'Cause I think that I just might still be in love with you...
Relationships: Nick Carter/Justin Timberlake, Nick Carter/Kevin Richardson
Series: The 100 [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2092305
Comments: 1
Kudos: 5





	049. Club - Thought This Through

**Author's Note:**

> Based on the song Thought This Through by Josh Kerr

“I don’t know how you roped me into this.” Justin said as he settled himself on the counter of the bathroom sink.

Nick glared at him from inside the mirror. “I didn’t rope you into anything. You said you wanted to be supportive. You promised to do whatever I needed to feel better. This is what I need.” Nick rolled his eyes and went back to fixing his hair in the mirror. He groaned in frustration as Justin leaned over and ruffled his blonde locks, making a mess of the gel in Nick’s hair and causing him to have to start the whole process over again. 

“Dude. I made that promise to you three years ago. I didn’t think you’d hold onto it like some kind of secret weapon to pull out at a moment's notice.”

“It’s not a moment’s notice. I called in this favor two weeks ago.” Nick said, smirking at the younger man. He twisted and turned his short blonde locks until he got them arranged exactly so. 

It was Justin’s turn to roll his eyes. “You know what I meant.”

Nick smiled and studied his own reflection in the mirror. Finally content with the face smiling back at him, he quickly washed his hands and brushed his teeth. Justin watched from his vantage point on the counter, trying not to worry about the shake of Nick’s hand as he focused on the tasks that would bring them one step closer to the main event of the evening. He had meant what he said when he’d promised to always be there for the older man. He was more determined now than he had even been then to see Nick through this. However, he was nervous that at the conclusion of the evening that none of this would matter. He could only hope that at the end of it, Nick’s heart would still remain intact. 

“What are you going to wear?” Justin asked, jumping down from the counter to wander into Nick’s closet. “Or have you even thought that far in advance?”

Nick blanched. “How do you do that?”

Justin smirked. “This is exactly what best friends are for. I know you Nicky. Let’s find you something to wear that makes him wish he’d never let you go.”

Nick blushed and looked away. “That’s not what this evening is about J. It’s about us reconnecting, to even see if there is something there worth saving, for all of us.”

Justin turned to look at him. “So if that’s all this is, then why are you bringing public enemy number 1 to this shindig? The moment I walk in there they are all going to go on the defensive and you’re not going to get anywhere.”

Nick looked at the floor before looking back up to meet Justin’s eyes. “I know. I’ve thought about that. But I also know there is no possible way that I can walk back in there, with those people, without having you beside me. “

Justin softened. He knew this was a bad idea, but he also knew he was powerless to stop any of it. He just hoped he would be able to piece the other man back together when it was done. “Baby, you need me, I’m there. Always. I just want you to be honest with yourself and with me. We both know that tonight is going to be the hardest thing you’ve had to face in the last three years. As much as I would like to skip the entire thing and spend the night on the couch with a pint of ice cream and Netflix, I also know you need to face him, to face them if you’re ever going to move on.”

Nick nodded, the tears threatening to prick his eyes as he gazed at his best friend. “Do you think there’s anything left?” 

Justin sighed and crossed his arms over his chest. “Honestly, I don’t know. The fall out was pretty ugly. When it ended, all of it, it ended really badly. While I understand they all had their own lives and they were all dealing with things differently, none of them were there for you. Not a single one offered to help pick up the pieces and that makes me so damn angry, baby. I hate the way they treated you so if this was me and my situation, I would say no. I would say fuck each and every one of them. But this isn’t me. This is you and you’ve always been a much bigger and better person than I am. No matter what, I am here and I’m not going anywhere.”  
Nick crossed the room quickly and threw himself into Justin’s warm and comforting embrace. The two friends stood like that for several moments, Justin trying his best to provide as much comfort to the older man as possible. Pulling apart, Justin brushed his lips gently across Nick’s. The kiss was chaste and sweet, exactly what Nick needed to level his head enough to focus on the task at hand. 

“Now, “ Justin said, pulling away with a twinkle in his eye. “Let’s find you something incredibly sexy to wear.”

\--  
Shoulda known it would feel like this  
Shoulda known how you'd fix your hair  
Shoulda known that you'd do your best to remind me what I miss  
Shoulda known that you wouldn't fight fair  
\--

Kevin downed his third whisky as he surveyed his surroundings. He’d arrived almost an hour ahead of their scheduled meeting. He had been antsy and couldn’t contain his nervous energy any longer. He’d stupidly thought that coming early would have given him an advantage, allowed himself to have a couple of drinks and relax before he was face to face with all of them again. Fuck it had been three years, three long years since he’d set eyes on the youngest member of their group. He scoffed to himself, they weren’t a group anymore. They hadn’t been since he stupidly threw everything away that had ever meant anything to him. He wanted to order another whisky but knew that was a bad idea if he was going to keep his wits about him for the duration of the evening. He checked his watch, only ten minutes remaining until they were all supposed to be in the same room again. 

He tried desperately to keep the images of the last time the five of them had been in a room alone together out of his mind. While every moment of that afternoon had been burned into his memory, he knew he had to push it away if he was ever going to get through the evening. His attention was broken as he heard a commotion at the door. Glancing up he saw Howie and AJ coming towards him. He got to his feet quickly, so damn excited to see them. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen either of them. It had to be almost a year and not together. He’d seen AJ when he’d had business in LA and he had spent a long weekend with Howie several months ago, catching up and reminiscing. It was that weekend that had spurned their desire to get everyone together, to see where things stood and what could possibly be left. 

The VIP lounge of the club had been secured for them exclusively so they could come and go as they please, but also had the freedom and privacy to just be alone, the five of them. Kevin glanced at his watch as Howie and AJ settled into one of the couches and each ordered a drink. The three old friends made idle chit chat while they waited on the last two members of their group. 

“How have you been, man?” AJ asked, settling back on the plush leather sofa. 

Kevin smiled. “Pretty good. I’ve been working on producing for a couple of up and coming bands and it’s kept me pretty busy. I’ve been researching and planning on what it would take to start my own label. Still too early to really decide what I want to do yet. What about you guys?”

Kevin tried to listen as they both told stories of their home lives, both having kids and wives that kept them busy and satisfied. Kevin nodded at the appropriate times and tried his best to pretend to be paying attention, all the while keeping one eye trained on the door. He jumped when he felt a hand cover his knee. He glanced down at the hand and then back up into the dark brown concerned eyes of his oldest friend. 

“Have you talked to him at all?” Howie asked gently. 

Kevin didn’t even have to ask. He shook his head slightly. “Not a word. Not since…” he stopped speaking as his attention was drawn to the door. It had swung open and Brian’s smiling face stepped into the room, his eyes lighting up when he saw them. He quickly made his way over to the group and exchanged hugs and fist bumps before settling in beside Kevin on the sofa. 

“What are we talking about guys?” he asked cheerfully, his blue eyes sparkling in the dim light of the club. 

Howie glanced from AJ to Kevin and then back to Brian. “I asked Kevin if he’d talked to Nick.”

Brian turned and faced his older cousin. “Have you?”

Kevin shook his head. “No. Not since that day.”

The four band mates looked at each other. ‘I talked to him to invite him here tonight, but it was a brief, maybe a 10 minute conversation. I think it had been more than a year or more since I’d spoken to him.” Howie commented softly. 

AJ nodded. “I couldn’t tell you the last time I spoke to him. It’s been a long time. Time just gets away from you and I really didn’t know what to say.”

Brian nodded. “I get it. I am just as guilty. It’s hard to believe that after how close we all were, that we’ve resorted to his. How do we even know if he will show?”

They glanced at each other before they turned their gaze to Howie. He held up his hands in surrender. “He promised he’d be here. That’s all I know.”

They were interrupted by the sound of the door banging open. Kevin glanced up and felt the air leave his lungs. There, coming through the door was Nick. His blond hair was fixed just so, his blue eyes sparkling and that breathtaking smile adorning his lips. Kevin felt his heart speed up. But as he scanned his eyes up and down Nick’s frame, his eyes zeroed in on his hand, a hand that was holding someone else’s. He watched in horror as Nick turned his head and said something to the person walking in behind him, his eyes lighting up and a laugh vibrating through him. Kevin felt his blood run cold as Justin Timberlake stepped into the room behind Nick, still holding his hand. 

\--  
Yeah I planned out how this moment would go  
I thought I thought this through  
That I knew what I'd do  
Then I saw you walk into this bar with someone new  
I thought I that I could act  
Like I don't want us back  
Turns out that after all this time it's still too soon  
I thought I thought this through  
\--  
In all the times that Kevin had imagined their reunion, he never once imagined it would include Justin Timberlake. He could feel the anger rising in his stomach and clenched his fists in an attempt to keep it under control. The other guys had taken notice as well, all eyes were now focused on the two blondes coming closer, the conversation ceased. In his best dreams, he had imagined a tearful reunion where he could apologize for everything he’d done to hurt the younger man and dismantle their careers. In his fantasy they would throw their arms around each other, confess their undying love and run off into the sunset to start the lives they should have had this whole time. In his worst nightmares, their reunion was filled with nothing but finger pointing and screaming, nothing being resolved and them going right back to the way things had been for the last few years, albeit with a little more resentment than what was there before. Never did he imagine Nick showing up with someone else, least of all him. 

He’d told himself countless times since Howie had drafted this idea, that this reunion was about them as a group, a band, and not about the romantical relationship between the oldest and youngest. He’d come here tonight, not to try to get Nick back, but to take note, to measure where he thought they were. If Nick had shown any interest whatsoever, then maybe Kevin had an opening. If not then no harm, no foul and Nick would never need to know that Kevin had thrown everything away, thrown him away for absolutely nothing. 

He felt the tears coming, somehow three years was still too soon to face the younger man again. He swallowed hard and tried to paint a pleasant smile on his face as they approached. 

Everyone gazed up at Nick as he and Justin finally reached the group. They made no move to break their contact, but settled into the third couch, side by side. Kevin tried hard not to zero in on their clasped hands but found his eyes continuity straying to them anyway.

“Hey guys,” Nick said shyly. “You all know Justin.”

Justin smiled stiffly at all of them and gave a little wave with his free hand. The air around the group was stiff and uncomfortable, none of them knowing for sure what to say to each other after being apart for so long. 

Howie finally broke the silence. “How are you, Nicky. What have you been up to.”

Nick glanced at Justin before answering. The other blonde gave a small, almost unseen nod of his head before Nick turned to face the others. “I’m good. I’ve been taking night classes in art history and I’m on track to graduate next year.” 

Kevin felt a burst of pride as he listened to Nick talk about his studies and how much he enjoyed the classes. He loved seeing the look of passion cross the younger man’s features as he talked about something he loved, believed in. It wasn’t lost on Kevin how close Justin sat to the other man, their hips touching and their hands still clasped tightly together. Jealousy coursed through his veins, even though he knew he had no right to feel that way any longer. He tried to pay attention, to listen and hear the words Nick was speaking but Kevin’s eyes couldn’t leave the man’s lips. He had to stifle the groan that threatened to consume him as he thought about what those lips felt like, what they could do. 

With the ice finally broken, they made idle conversation. The alcohol was flowing and it allowed each of them to loosen up, at least enough to have a surface level conversation. They had chatted for more than an hour before Brian finally bit the bullet and brought up the reason for their meeting. 

“So what do you think about starting this again? Going back into the studio, play around and see if there is still anything here?” Brian asked as he leaned forward taking in the faces around him. 

Howie and AJ were nodding enthusiastically and Kevin felt his spirits rise and felt himself nodding along. They all turned to look at Nick, his expression unreadable. He glanced at Justin and it seemed like they were carrying on a full fledged conversation with just their eyes. Kevin felt the jealousy flare again and had to restrain himself from moving forward and ripping the other man off of Nick. Justin had no right to him and no right to influence his decisions. Kevin pushed the voice away that reminded him that he didn’t have that right either, and hadn’t for a very long time. He swallowed hard and tried to keep his temper in check as the silence stretched on. He glanced at the other guys and could see the anxious looks on their faces as well as they waited for Nick to speak. 

Finally he turned away from Justin and faced them. “I’m not opposed to the idea.” he started. He shot another glance at his companion and looked down at their clasped hands, gaining strength from having his best friend beside him. “But it’s never going to be like it was. What we had, that was destroyed a long time ago. You, all of you, destroyed me and I will not allow it to happen again. I am no longer that “little brother” the child that you all pushed around and influenced to bend to your will. I am a completely different person than the one who walked away, or should I say was pushed away from all of you three years ago. I will not go back there. If we do this, we are five equal partners and I will voice and fight for my opinions and decisions. I don’t think any of you will ever understand how much each of you hurt me, but I am willing to put it behind me for the good of the group, but things will never be the same. If you can respect that then we can have another conversation in a few weeks to discuss details.” Nick focused on each of them individually, his gaze barely landing on Kevin for more than a few seconds before he quickly looked away. 

None of them knew what to say. Kevin was proud, terrified and sick all at the same time. This was all his fault, all of it. The group disbanding, Nick’s heartache, his own, Kristin. Everything that was wrong in each of these men’s lives all could be traced back to him and his cowardice, his bad decisions. Kevin glanced at Howie, AJ and Brian and knew they were overwhelmed with emotion the same as he. He knew that he had hurt Nick, hell he’d be a fool not to understand that his actions had consequences for all of them. He could tell that the others hadn’t stopped to think about how much they too had failed and hurt their youngest brother. 

The silence drug on before Justin broke it. “Let’s go dance babe.” he said tilting his head towards the main part of the club.   
Nick gave him a small smile and nodded. Standing and still fucking holding hands, Kevin watched the two leave the VIP section, leaving the remaining four men alone with their thoughts. 

\--  
Didn't think it would all rush back  
Didn't think you'd be here alone  
Didn't think I would hate that you aint the one paying my tab  
Didn't think this is how it would go  
I thought I thought this through  
\--  
Justin pulled Nick into a back hallway of the club and wrapped the older man in his arms. The moment they had stood up and left the group Justin could feel the other man's anxiety getting to be too strong and knew he needed to get him somewhere alone and quiet before he spiraled out of control. They stood there holding each other for what felt like hours before Nick pulled back and smiled. 

"Thank you." he said softly. 

Justin leaned forward and brushed a kiss across Nick's forehead and smiled. "Don't thank me, beautiful. I'm so fucking proud of you. You stood up to them and didn't let them walk all over you. You were fierce and in control. You shocked the hell out of them that's for sure." 

Nick blushed and looked away. "I was a nervous wreck." 

Justin nodded. "They couldn't tell. I was watching, they were shook by the things you said and the conviction in which you said them. You did good for yourself, you should be proud." 

Nick hugged him tighter and rested his face in the comfort of Justin's neck. "Why couldn't I ever just make it work with you?" he asked softly. 

Justin chuckled and pulled the other man closer. "You know why, baby. It was always him. You always loved him, hell you still do. I think he does too." 

Nick pulled back quickly and gazed into his best friend's blue eyes. "Are you serious?" 

Justin nodded. "I am. And what's more, he wasn't wearing a ring." 

Nick did a double take and tilted his head. "What do you mean? His wedding ring was gone?" 

Justin nodded. "I did a lot of looking while we sat there. The conversation was not for my benefit. I only half paid attention so I could beat someone's ass if they hurt you, the rest of the time I was watching them and watching him watch you." 

Nick felt the blush return to his cheeks. "He was watching?" Nick whispered softly. 

"Baby, he didn't take his eyes off you the entire time we sat there and if it were possible to kill someone with just a look, I would have been dead the first five minutes after we sat down. The fact that you were sitting there with me, holding my hand, about made the little vein on the side of his head explode."

Nick smirked. Somehow it felt so good to know not only was Justin still taking care of him at every turn, but also that he could still provoke some type of response out of Kevin, especially when he hadn't even been trying. 

"I can't thank you enough for coming with me tonight. I seriously couldn't have made it in the door, much less sat there with all of them if you hadn't been there with me." Nick laid his head back on Justin's shoulder and enjoyed the comfort, knowing they would have to break away and head back into the club in a moment. 

"You don't have to thank me baby, if you need me, there's nowhere else I would be. You know that by now don't you?" Justin asked, rubbing his hands up and down Nick's back in a proven gesture to calm the older man. 

Nick nodded. No one else, with the exception of Kevin, had ever been able to calm and ease Nick's anxiety and fears like Justin could. Nick cherished their friendship and knew he had been blessed beyond measure. 

"I didn't think it would feel like this." Nick admitted softly. 

"Like what baby?" Justin asked, placing another kiss against Nick's forehead. He knew they needed to get out of the hallway before someone found them, but he couldn't stomach the thought of rushing Nick before he was ready. 

"The moment I saw him it all rushed back. All of it. The good, the bad, every emotion I've ever felt for him came at me like a ton of bricks and it was so strong I felt like I was suffocating with it." 

Justin nodded and pulled Nick closer in his arms. "I thought it might. It's been too long and you've had absolutely no contact. It was bound to happen. You did great though. I am just still so fucking proud of you." 

"I still love him." Nick whispered. 

"I know baby." Justin pushed the tuft of blonde hair that had fallen into Nick's eyes away. 

Nick frowned. "I don't want to. Honestly I don't. I know it's wrong, especially after everything that's happened. I'm sorry." 

Justin shifted them around so he could look directly into Nick's crystal blue eyes. "Listen to me. You have nothing and nobody to apologize for. You didn't do any of this. You didn't make the decisions that split the group apart, you didn't break the two of you up. This was all him. As far as still loving him, while I don't understand how your big beautiful heart can take it, we can't control who we love. If you still love him, okay. Only you can decide if it's worth the risk to open yourself up again. You know I support you in whatever you do. You have to be happy and confident in your own decisions. Now let's go make pretty boy jealous on the dance floor. "

Nick laughed and followed Justin back into the crowded club, wiping the remnants of his tears away. His mind was spinning a hundred miles an hour and he wasn't sure which part to focus in first. Was Kevin really not wearing a ring? Was he really watching Nick all night or was that just Justin getting his hopes up? What did that mean? And worst of all, why would he still love someone so desperately that had done nothing but cause him immense amounts of pain? Maybe he should have thought this whole reunion evening through a little more before agreeing to participate. In the short amount of time he'd been in the older man's company he could already feel the little chips being made into the stony façade he'd erected so many years ago. 

\--

Back out on the dance floor, Justin wrapped one arm around Nick's shoulders while the other he placed firmly around Nick's waist. He smiled at the other man as they began to move in time to the music. Inside he was fighting with himself, trying to be restrained but wanting nothing more than to storm back into that VIP section and give each of the five guys a piece of his mind. The way he had turned on Nick, their friend, their brother, made him sick. He couldn't even begin to fathom how Nick could even entertain the thought of being in the same room, let alone working with any of them again. But this wasn't his battle to fight. He just had to keep reminding himself of that. 

With the hand around Nick's shoulders he began to softly caress the back of Nick's neck, a gesture he'd done a million times before and knew how much it relaxed the other man. Moments later his ministrations paid off as he watched Nick's eyes flutter closed and a small smile cross his lips. Justin smiled to himself and pulled the blonde closer to his body, both swaying to the music. Justin felt the stare before he saw it and glanced quickly around the room before his eyes landed on the dark haired man leaning against the bar. Kevin was giving him dirty looks from across the room and Justin smirked, unable to help himself. Knowing Kevin's eyes were on him, he leaned forward and brushed his lips gently across Nick's. Nick smiled into the kiss and responded. It was short and sweet, as most of their kisses were and just enough to make Kevin's face flush and his fists clenched in anger. Justin couldn't stop the smirk this time. He took a chance and glanced in Kevin's direction and locked eyes with the other man. He could feel the fury and jealousy radiating off the older man from across the room. Justin broke the gaze and focused his attention back on the man in his arms. 

"He's about to blow a gasket." Justin whispered leaning forward and tickling Nick's ear with his breath. 

"Who?" Nick said giggling and squirming away from Justin's tickles. 

"Kevin." Justin said meeting his eyes. 

Nick's eyes went wide as he gazed at his friend. "Really?" he squeaked out. 

"Yup." Justin said, nodding and they continued to dance. "He's been watching us from the bar since we stepped back out here." 

"You can see him?" Nick questioned, his eyes growing dark and his brow furrowing.

"You wanna see?" Justin teased. Before Nick knew what was happening, Justin had spun him around, drawing his tall frame back against Justin's body. Justin wrapped his arm around Nick's waist and pulled him back until his ass was nestled right against Justin's crotch. The music has shifted to a more upbeat song and Justin wasn't going to let the opportunity to perform slip past. "Just dance with me." he whispered as the two men began to dance and grind. 

Nick's eyes fluttered shut as he let the music and the emotions rush through him. While their relationship had never worked, Nick couldn't deny how attracted to each other they were and after the emotional experience this whole evening had been, it felt nice to let loose in something, someone familiar and loving. And if they put on a little show to make the older man respond, then that was all the better. He felt Justin's lips graze the side of his neck and he sighed audibly loving the feeling of being in his best friend's arms, knowing that no matter what happened the rest of the evening, Justin would always be there. 

His eyes opened slowly as the song changed and he startled to come face to face with the older man. Directly in front of him stood Kevin, the man who'd broken him into a million little pieces and occupied most of his thoughts for the last three years. He felt the pressure of Justin's arm around his middle increase and smiled inwardly. Justin was the biggest teddy bear there was, until someone messed with his friends, and then there was no stopping him. 

"Can I talk to you? Alone?" Kevin asked, his gaze flicking to Justin and then back to Nick. 

Nick felt Justin squeeze his arm letting him know this was completely his decision. He found himself nodding yes before his voice actually kicked in to say the words. "Sure." he said quietly. 

"I'm going to go get us some drinks." Justin said leaning forward and dropping a kiss against Nick's cheek. Shooting one pointed look in Kevin's direction and then he was gone, leaving the two men standing alone in the middle of the dance floor. 

"I think everyone else is out dancing. Do you want to go back to the room?" Kevin asked gently, tilting his head back towards the VIP area. 

Nick nodded slowly and turned to follow the older man out of the room. His heart was pounding in his chest and he tried hard to keep his breathing under control. He couldn't afford to let his emotions and anxiety overwhelm him. He'd worked so hard to be better, to move past the things they had all done to him, but here in this club he was surrounded by the ghosts of what had been. 

He scanned the room quickly before stepping out, his eyes landing on Justin at the bar. Justin gave him a nod and a smile, letting Nick know he would be waiting right there for him when he was finished. That fact alone brought him comfort as he turned and followed Kevin back into the VIP room. 

Once alone, Nick waited for Kevon to sit before taking a seat across from him in one of the other couches. He was trying to do everything in his power to make sure they didn't touch. He knew himself well enough to know that if he touched the older man, any resolve he had left would be gone. They stared at each other for several minutes. Nick allowed himself this time to drink in the man before him, filling the reservoir that had long since been emptied. Being this close, back in his presence, close enough to touch brought back all the memories from that night. He felt his breath quicken and he swallowed hard to keep the tears from bubbling up to the surface. He had to be strong, he had to show Kevin how much he'd changed, how much he'd grown. He was no longer that oblivious boy with a childhood crush. He was a man, a broken man who had his world taken from him and shattered. And it was all because of this man. He swallowed again and lifted his eyes to meet Kevin's green ones. The air left his lungs and he wasn't sure he would be able to take another breath again. His body, his heart, everything was on fire, lit ablaze by the man sitting less than a foot away from him. Who was he kidding. There was no way they could do this again. He couldn't allow himself to go back there, to be treated that way. 

"Nicky," Kevin started, his voice heavy with his accent and emotion. Nick couldn't bear to look at him a moment longer and quickly diverted his gaze to a spot in the floor. Silently counted to 10 and clashed his hands together as he tried to once again gain control over his body, his mind. 

Kevin reached out as if to touch his hand. Nick saw the touch coming and shifted out go the way, blocking Kevin's attempt to come any closer. "Don't." he managed to get out. "Just don't touch me. What do you want to talk about?" he asked, wanting to move this conversation along. He needed to get out of here, this whole thing had been a mistake. 

"I want to talk about us. How this could work if we decide to try again as a group." 

Nick scoffed. "US? There is no us. You made damn sure of that didn't you Kevin? But it wasn't just you and me, that us, that you wanted to take away from me. No, you wanted to make sure that at the end of it I had absolutely nothing. Well guess what Kevin. You succeeded. You took every single thing I had away from me. You single handedly destroyed me and then left me completely alone to try to put together the pieces. So why do you feel it necessary to try to go back down that road? Is there something you forgot to take the last time? Was there a piece of me you forgot to break? Fuck Kevin, did you really hate me that much? "

Once he'd started, Nick felt it was almost impossible to reel himself back in. Each word spoken hit Kevin square in the chest, each one delivering a calculated blow. It stung, it hurt worse than Kevin had ever imagined possible, but they were all true. Every last word Nick spoke was the cold hard truth of what he had done to someone he loved more than life itself. All because he was a coward, a bastard. He felt his heart rate quicken as the reality of the pain and hurt he'd cause began to wash over him. 

\--

Three years ago they'd been on top of the world, professionally and in Nick's opinion, personally. More than a year previously after too much alcohol, he'd confessed to the man who had meant so many things to him over the course of his life. He finally told Kevin how much he loved and adored him and to his surprise, Kevin had echoed his sentiments, telling Nick he had loved him for years. While Nick was hesitant at first, Kevin was married after all, the two quickly fell into a love affair that was all consuming. Nick had never felt more loved, more understood, more satisfied. He was so in love with Kevin and their life together that nothing else mattered to him. The other guys knew, but Kevin insisted they kept the rest of the world in their dark, his wife included. He had reassured Nick time and time again that he didn't love her, only him and Kristin was only a means to an end for him. He convinced Nick it was better for all of them if he kept up the pretense of a happy marriage to keep anyone from becoming too suspicious of their feelings for each other. 

Nick had been a much different person then, way more naïve and trusting. In hindsight, he should have been able to see through the bullshit for what it really was and had been the whole time, a carefully orchestrated plan to allow Kevin to have everything he wanted, and Nick, well Nick had just enough to keep him on the hook before it was all pulled out from underneath him. 

It was funny to think back now that the beginning of the end for Nick all started with Justin. They had been careless, too consumed in their desire to pay close enough attention. One night during an industry gala they found themselves locked inside a bathroom stall, Nick on his knees in front of his raven haired God. While Nick knew they had been careful enough to be quiet, they had not been careful enough to pay attention to their surroundings. They had both stepped outside the bathroom stall at the same time and stopped in shock as Justin Timberlake stood at the sink preparing to wash his hands. Nick's eyes had met his in the mirror and while they weren't really friends yet, nothing like they were now, Justin still understood enough to know something had gone on in the bathroom stall. He'd taken one look at each of them and quickly finished his business and left the room. 

Nick had felt Kevin stiffen behind him and knew they were in trouble. He just had no idea the amount of trouble they were in for. He had no clue that this small action, this one mistake would be the end of his whole life.

Once they made it back to the hotel he had begun to get scared by the eerie quiet of the other man. They hadn't spoken a word to each other the whole cab ride back to the hotel and even still, once they had entered their room Kevin had remained silent. Nick was on edge and had a horrible feeling in the pit of his stomach. Kevin had immediately locked himself in the bathroom, leaving Nick alone in the rest of the suite. His anxiety was high, he could feel himself beginning to get overwhelmed by the thought of Kevin being mad at him. He hadn't meant to get them caught. He knew Justin well enough to know that he more than likely wouldn't say anything about what he'd seen. The rivalry that was played up in the media was bogus and knew Justin valued privacy above everything else. He would call him tomorrow he decided and plead with the other man to take the secret to his grave. He was so lost in his thoughts he hadn't heard the bathroom door open and Kevin emerge. It wasn't until he was standing directly in front of him that Nick registered his presence. 

"What the fuck have you done?" Kevin demanded, his voice ice cold.

Nick felt a chill run down his spine as he raised his eyes to meet the older man's. "What do you mean?" 

"I mean Nicky, what have you done to us? You just couldn't keep your hormones in check until we got back to the safety of our room? You couldn't fucking keep your dick in your pants long enough to make sure we didn't get caught? FUCK Nick." 

He was yelling now. Nick felt the anger and fear well up inside him at the same time. "I'm sorry it happened Kevin, but if you'll remember correctly, my dick was inside my pants the whole time. It was yours that was out in the open." Anger won out and his voice matched the pitch of the other man. 

Kevin's face hardened. "Is this some kind of game to you? What the fuck is wrong with you? He could destroy our lives, our careers, my marriage. Fuck, if Kristin finds out I've been sleeping with you too…" he didn't even get a chance to finish his sentence before Nick plowed into him, shoving him roughly against the wall. 

His face contorted in anger. "Sleeping with me too? TOO? What the fuck Kevin. You told me you were staying with her for appearances only. You told me there was nothing there. You fucking promised me you weren't sleeping with her and now your saying you are fucking me too? You lied to me." he felt the tears coming, the hurt and betrayal washed over him in waves and he let go of Kevin to have the energy to keep himself upright. He pushed away from the older man and turned his back to get his tears under control. He jerked suddenly when he felt Kevin's hand on his shoulder. 

Whirling around he narrowed his eyes at the man he had loved for half his life, at the man who up until that point, he believed loved him too. "Don't you fucking touch me." 

Kevin's eyes went wide and he pulled his hand back quickly. "Nicky," he tried as he held up both hands in a surrendering fashion. "Just calm down and let's talk about this." 

"Calm down? You want me to calm down! You come in here pissed as hell about something that was both of our faults, yelling at me like I'm some kind of childish moron and then you have the audacity to to calm down. Let's not forget that I just found out the man I love has been cheating on me for God knows how long. How long have you still been sleeping with her? Since this started?" he felt his voice getting higher the faster the tears came. 

Kevin didn't speak, just continued to look at him. After a moment he solemnly nodded his head. Nick felt the world drop out from under him. He sank to the floor as the tears came too quickly to stop. He sobbed, gutterly and felt like the walls were closing in on him. That's where the other three found him moments later. They'd heard the yelling and then the crying and had all come running to find out what was going on. Brian took one look around the room and then knelt on the floor, taking the broken man into his arms in an attempt to comfort him. 

"Shh, Frack. It's all going to be okay." he tried. 

Nick's anger returned and he pushed away from the other man. "It's not going to be okay. He's fucking been cheating on me. He doesn't love me, he's nothing but a fucking asshole liar. So no Brian it's not going to be okay." 

Brian looked from Nick to Kevin and then back again. "Nick, it's not cheating when it's his wife. You knew he was married when this whole thing started." 

Nick felt the rage then. He shoved Brian backwards and launched to his feet. "Not cheating? Why the hell Brian. What do you call someone who held me after making love to me and promised over and over again while he held me that he wasn't sleeping with her, that he would never sleep with her after we were together. He promised me the marriage was nothing more than a publicity stunt. He lied, he used me to get what he wanted without any regard for my feelings. How in the world can you stand there and defend him?"  
He was so mad he wasn't sure how to handle himself. He looked around the room. Kevin was sitting in the kitchen area chair with his head in his hands while AJ and Howie stood beside the bed. He registered the looks on their faces at the same time his stomach rolled. They all knew. They all fucking knew that Kevin hadn't been faithful, hadn't kept any of his thousands of promises. His best friends, his brothers knew and allowed him to continue on living in this fairy-tale land where he and Kevin were happy and in love. 

"You all knew." he accused, his voice thick with emotion as he looked each of them in the eye. Howie nodded softly, before looking away guilty. "If you knew why didn't any of you say anything to me. Why did you help him continue to lie and deceive me?" 

AJ shrugged. "I didn't realize it was that serious. I thought you knew, I thought this was some kind of fling you guys had going on while we were on the road." 

Every word spoken tonight was like a punch to his solar plexus. He didn't know if he should laugh or cry or what emotion to have. Everything he had believed, everything he had felt had been a lie. He had been deceived not only by the man he loved more than anything, but also by each one of them. 

It was in that moment, standing there in the middle of some nameless motel room, that the Backstreet Boys were no more. He looked at them all one final time. His eyes flittered to each of their faces in turn. 

"Fuck each and every one of you. I am done. We are finished. I'll pay whatever I need to pay to get out of our contracts, but I never want to see any of you ever again." 

He didn't even wait for a response. He grabbed his jacket from where it lay across the back of the couch and slipped it over his shoulders. Kevin had sprang up from the chair and was trying to come after him. He spun on his heel and fixed the other man with a deathly glare. "You stay the fuck away from me. All of you." 

And as the tears slid down his face he left the room. He was crying so hard he wasn't even sure how he made it down the hallway much less to the elevator. His heart was completely broken in two, his life was essentially over. He didn't even know where to go. He needed to get as far away from them as quickly as possible before they tried to convince him to change his mind. He managed to get to the lobby of the hotel and outside before the tears were so heavy he couldn't see in front of him. He wiped rapidly at his eyes, trying to see well enough to hail a cab. He didn't see the man in front of him until he'd collided into him and fell to the pavement below. A hand reached out to help him up and he wiped his eyes quickly before looking up into the blue eyes of none other than Justin Timberlake. 

\--  
I thought I thought this through  
Now I don't know what to do  
'Cause I think that I just might still be in love with you  
\--

Kevin sat there staring at the younger man, watching each emotion play across his handsome features. He loved this man, had always loved this man but had been too scared to allow himself to commit fully. And in the end, his fear and inaction had caused the man he loved so much to endure so much heartache. He was ashamed of himself. 

"No. I never wanted to hurt you. I know with everything that's happened you will find that hard to believe, but it's true. I was scared of the public finding out about us, I was scared of disappointing my mom and my family by not living up to their expectations. I was also scared of hurting Kristin, someone who had no idea what or who I was or the things I was doing. She married me when we were still kids and she believed we would grow old together, raise a family together. I didn't feel like I could rightfully take that away from her, especially when I didn't see a way in which you and I could ever be that open. " he stopped and looked down at his hands, not even sure how to continue. 

"I know I hurt you, and I will spend every day for the rest of my life making pittance for it. But I need to ask you to forgive me. I'm so very sorry. I know I can't take any of it back, but I would in a heartbeat if I had the ability." 

Nick's blue eyes met his and he was floored by the emotion playing through them. "I meant what I said earlier. I will try to put this past me for the good of the group, but things aren't going to be magically fixed. Life doesn't work like that. You hurt me, more than anyone else has ever done in my entire life. We can't just wave a magic wand and pretend it never happened, no matter how much I wish we could. If you want to try to be friends, I can try to meet you halfway, but that's the best I can offer you right now. "

Kevin nodded enthusiastically. This wasn't what he wanted, but it was more than what he deserved. He would take whatever scrap that Nick would give him and be grateful for it. "I'd like that Nick. I'll do whatever I have to do to have you in my life. I still love you," he said allowing his eyes to meet Nick's shining blue ones. 

"I still love you too Kevin, but it's just not enough." Nick answered honestly. 

Kevin felt his heart soar, there was still a chance, albeit a small one. He was determined to spend the rest of his life coming up with ways to make it up to the other man. As long as he had Nick in his life somehow then there was a possibility that he could fix this, fix both of them.   
"I understand, but I also want you to understand that I'm serious. I love you. I know I hurt you and I will do everything in my power to make it up to you in some way. Kristin and I have been divorced almost two and a half years now. I went straight home that night and told her it was over, everything was over. She doesn't know everything, but she knows enough. I'll wait, I'll do whatever I need to do to convince you that I've changed and that I want and need you in my life."

Nick gave him a small smile. "I'm not making any promises here, Kev. I don't know if I'll ever get to a place where I can trust you or believe a word you say. All I can do is tell you I'll try to be your friend. Whatever happens after that will have to be played by ear."  
Kevin nodded and let his own small smile slip. He had a start. A way that he could start to rebuild all that he'd destroyed. 

"What about Justin?" he asked softly. He hadn't planned on asking about the other man but the curiously was killing him. 

"What about him?" 

"Are you two…together?" the word got stuck in his throat and he held his breath to hear the response. 

Nick looked at him for several long moments before shaking his head. "Not anymore. We were for about a year, but now we're just friends. Best friends. He's been there for me when no one else was. He actually found me that night. We stumbled upon each other outside the hotel and he took one look at me before hailing a cab and taking us both to the airport. We spent the next three weeks in the Caribbean and when we got back I moved in with him. I love him, but it will never be the same kind of love that I have for you. It would be a hell of a lot easier if I could love him that way. " Nick admitted softly. 

Kevin felt his heart rate return to normal. They weren't together. Nick still loved him enough that he couldn't fully commit to someone else. Now more than ever Kevin felt the possibility of more with the younger man. It wouldn't be anytime soon, but maybe, hopefully if they started working together again maybe he could make a difference. He hesitated but then reached out and took one of Nick's hands in his. He smiled to himself as Nick let him and didn't jerk away. 

"I promise you I will fix this. I know you have no reason to believe me and if you never can trust me again then it's my fault, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to keep trying. I'll keep trying, anything I can do to make this work, to make this up to you and show you how much I love you. " Kevin squeezed his hand, relishing the feeling of the soft skin under his fingers again if only for the briefest of moments. 

Nick pulled his hand back and nodded. He stood then, everything that needed to be said in that moment had already been said. Now it was time for Kevin to make a difference with actions, his words were what got him into this mess in the first place. Giving him one last long glance, Nick strolled from the room. No doubt heading straight back to Justin. Kevin found it a little easier to swallow this time around however, knowing now that there wasn't anything romantic going in between them any longer. He had a hell of a lot he had to make up for and needed to come up with a way to make Nick trust and understand that when he said he loved him it was real this time. He was single this time, unafraid of the public and whatever else bullshit excuse he had originally. He'd been without the other man for three long years, he knew what heaven felt like and he'd been living in hell all this time without Nick. No matter how much time, energy or convincing it took to make Nick understand, none of that mattered. He knew, if he could succeed in getting Nick to open up again, to allow him to love him again that everything would be worth it. 

I thought I thought this through


End file.
